July 5, 2011 | Posted by Debbie Devine
Dear Debbie;
I don’t know what to do next. My life as I knew it has ended. I am going through a divorce that is hard and painful; is there any other kind? Anyway, I am crying a lot and feel myself growing more and more bitter. I can see people avoiding me at work and I can’t blame them. Some of our “couple” friends are behind me, but some others are still talking to her as if nothing happened!
I can’t get past what was done to me. I knew things weren’t great but I didn’t know she was that serious about leaving. I find myself wanting to explain to my kids just what she did so they will know the truth. Everybody has their own ideas about that. What do you think?
Signed,
Without a Guide
Dear “Without;”
Divorce is one of the worst experiences life can throw at us, and there’s no way to just “know” how to handle this in a healthy way without professional help. Your feelings of wanting to assign blame and draw your children into “your side” is normal, but is not what is best for them OR you. You deserve all of your feelings, but they can cripple you without help to overcome and resist the temptation to act on them. For instance, you have to find a way to put this aside a few hours a day at least, so that you can function at work and as a parent. Your children need you more than ever.
This is a good time to depend on your adult family (not hers) and friends for support, but don’t make the mistake of turning to them for legal or psychological advice. Depend on the experts for guidance in what you do next.
Remember: time does NOT heal all wounds by itself. Take care of yourself and your children will benefit too.
Best,
Debbie
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June 20, 2011 | Posted by Debbie Devine
Dear Debbie;
Father’s Day just passed again, and I had a miserable time. My father is not the greatest of fathers. All of those cards that say things like, “thanks for your advice through the years, you were always there for me,” etc., are simply not true. The pressure to celebrate a relationship where I was abused and he drank all the time leaves me feeling hypocritical if I do acknowledge the holiday, and guilty if I don’t. Am I a bad person for just wanting this to go away?
Signed,
Confused Son
Dear Confused;
Learning to live from your own internal voice means risking the disapproval of others to be true to yourself. Many people come to me simply not able to honestly celebrate the “Hallmark Holidays” on the calendar. Here are some options my clients and I have discovered together. Only you can decide which of these keeps your integrity intact. They range from the extreme of simply being sure that your parent has food, shelter, and medical care, to mailing a formal greeting card, to a brief call checking in on their lives. Some clients simply can’t do any of that due to the severity of the abuse.
Please remember that all adults, including your parents, had choices they made every day. Even the mentally ill have a choice to take their medicines on a regular basis or not. All choices come with consequences. How we treat our children is a choice with consequences as well. You are not responsible for pretending they didn’t choose.
Sincerely,
Debbie
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June 13, 2011 | Posted by Debbie Devine
Dear Debbie;
I’m having a problem with my mother! I’m forty years old and she still treats me like I’m under her authority and control. She criticizes the way I raise my kids, how much I spend for groceries, and gets her feelings hurt if I don’t call her every day. Usually I just let the hurtful comments pass, but I can tell I’m losing confidence in my ability to make decisions for myself. The more I try to please her, the more critical she gets (like this: If I call her, I hear about how I “never” call her anymore). Help!
Signed,
Afraid I’m Not Good Enough
Dear Afraid;
The more we put our own ideas and needs aside to try to gain the respect of others, the more we lose it. Your mother is trying to hang on to the relationship she had with you when you were a dependent child. Perhaps she fears she will lose you altogether if she treats you like an adult. Whatever her reason, your business is to lovingly and firmly set your boundaries as to what comments you will not tolerate about your personal life. A relationship between adults must be based on equal power and respect to be worthwhile. By letting her inappropriate comments pass, you have given her permission to treat you as a child. It is time to clear the air. She may be defensive at first; she may even “punish” you by pouting. Be patient, and don’t allow this to make you give in. Seek counseling if you are unclear on the boundaries you want or how to communicate them.
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June 6, 2011 | Posted by Debbie Devine
Dear Debbie;
I feel kind of “blah” all the time and my family says I don’t show much interest in anything. Sometimes I just start crying for no reason. I am irritable and have no interest in sex. I can fall asleep, but I wake up after a few hours and am sometimes awake until morning. Other times I just want to sleep all the time. I’m a Christian, and somebody told me I should just make a choice to be happy. Others have said to pray harder. What is wrong with me?
Signed,
Can’t Snap Out of It
Dear “Can’t Snap;”
The symptoms you describe could indicate the presence of a Depressive or Anxiety Disorder. Your first step is to have a physical examination by your primary care provider. Physical causes, including hypothyroidism, can cause these symptoms. If a physical cause is ruled out, you should see a counselor to discuss possible past or current stressors which may be contributing to this problem. We can no more diagnose or treat this ourselves than we could perform our own surgeries! It takes a licensed, trained professional to evaluate and help set our thinking back on track. This is done by the use of diagnostic testing, then treatment by highly technical “talk therapy.”
Telling a person who is depressed or anxious to “just pray harder” is like telling a diabetic to “just produce more insulin.” If we could recover on our own, we would have already. Help is available if we will accept it.
Sincerely,
Debbie
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May 31, 2011 | Posted by Debbie Devine
One of the many research areas we study as licensed counselors is the topic of where clients get their beliefs. Technically called the Locus of Control, in layman’s terms it means that I assess how much you have thought through what you believe about yourself and life in general, and how much is coming instead from outside sources-parental teachings, society, etc. I strive to help you reach an Internal locus, which means YOU decide. The person with a strong internal locus is more able to withstand the pressures of the opinions of others.
One of the hardest areas to develop an internally strong locus (particularly for women in our culture) is in the area of appearance. Youth and a boyish, preadolescent figure are prized for women in this country and are used as a judge of worth. Tragically, many women waste their lives in constant attempts to fit this mold as they obsess about trying to “measure up.” Our sense of worth goes up and down by the numbers on the scale; talk about an “external” control! In the meantime, life passes us by as we give over our self -worth to other voices. Depression over the inevitability of not being able to fit that imaginary mold takes over.
Here are some ideas I would like you to consider. If I can help you with this issue, don’t hesitate to call!
Best,
Debbie
1. Challenge every magazine article, TV show, or person that says you are not ok until you change with, “who says?”
2. Put a big red STOP sign up in your head when you say ugly things to yourself. If you wouldn’t insult a friend, why is it OK to insult yourself?
3. Find things you love about your appearance and give them attention and focus. Start with just one.
4. Somewhere on this planet, in this city, in this neighborhood, someone weighs more than you. So What?
5. Somewhere on this planet, in this city, in this neighborhood, someone weighs less than you. So What?
6. Life is to be enjoyed. What do you value in others? Value that in YOURSELF as well. LIVE your values! For instance, if you embrace a religious belief: I don’t know of a single one that praises skinny people for being skinny. Do you?
7. If you are not ready to give up obsessive, self-punishing diets or attitudes now, then when? At what age is it OK to accept yourself? 50? 60? Never?
8. Exercise because it makes you feel good and it greatly relieves depression and anxiety.
9. Hating yourself is like winding a spring tightly. When it lets go, it explodes into a binge of self-destructive behaviors.
10. Everyone’s body is unique. Trying to make yours look like someone else’s makes about as much sense as trying to copy someone’s laugh or expressions.
My clients receive individual attention and extra-special care!
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