My clients enjoy my luxurious, discreet counseling atmosphere in a beautiful cottage surrounded by trees and birds.  Unlike the average therapist who answers to insurance companies regarding your care, I have a specialized, fee-only practice for the discriminating adult who is looking for the highest standards in confidentiality (no insurance accepted) and expertise. I am an experienced, senior level therapist who offers a unique therapy experience, including articles, email support, and direct, practical suggestions.

I am very experienced in the divorce process, having taught classes for District Judges in counties all over Texas on this subject. If you are looking for divorce help, divorce counseling, and divorce support, my services are available with one phone call to 214-410-0435  or email to ddevine@DevineRelaxation.com .

If you need compassionate guidance to deal with your relationships with a mate, parents, or others–perhaps you are working on your marriage alone because your mate won’t come to counseling– or if you are struggling with anxiety, pain, sleep issues, or depression, please don’t wait. Call me today at 214-410-0435 or email me with your questions at ddevine@DevineRelaxation.com . Remember: your world changes when YOU change.

Manage Your Stress for Inner Beauty

By Debbie Devine, Licensed Professional Counselor

www.DevineRelaxation.com

”Soften your eyes. Relax your face,” I instruct my clients when we are working on deep relaxation in session. And the change is immediate and visible as the lines of tension fall away and a peaceful expression steals over them. When conducting this exercise with a roomful of people, the whole mood of the group changes. You can almost see everyone’s blood pressure go down! For you see, no matter how skillful the face lift, how costly the wrinkle cream, nothing can erase the look of stress, anger, sadness or chronic anxiety from a face when the soul inside is tense and troubled.

Most of us have known people with all the right clothes, makeup, hair, etc. but when they opened their mouth, negativity and anger poured out. How does negativity detract from outer beauty? Bitterness, stress and unresolved hurt often manifest themselves in tense facial muscles especially around the lips and eyes. This leads to fine lines around the lips and wrinkles in the eye area.

And so, we must seek peace as the ultimate beautifier—peace with ourselves, with God and with others (which is not necessarily the same as having everybody pleased with you.) All world religions teach us that true beauty comes from within, from finding stillness and acceptance. Sayings such as: “accept the things you cannot change” (prayer from Alcoholics Anonymous), “that which you would change, must first be accepted as is” (Buddhist saying) and, “see to it that the light within you is not darkness” (Jesus) attest that there must be inner calmness and peace for true outer beauty to exist.

And, just as it’s impossible to do our own liposuction or facelift, so we must have help to seek inner beauty–through counseling, and getting still to connect deep within ourselves in solitude. We must decide to measure and cherish our worth by more than numbers on a scale or how well we hide our aging. This changing of our mental health, like the changing of our physical health, requires a deliberate effort and investment of time and resources. It means sitting down with paper and pen and asking ourselves hard questions, like “what do I believe makes me worthy, happy, successful or attractive? Why do I believe that? Who taught me that belief?”

 The practical things help too. Consider this list of ideas:

• Get Enough Sleep—clients often enter “depression” by way of “exhaustion.”
• Adding healthy foods so we don’t have sugar highs and lows.
• Choosing to stop work early enough to make the yoga class or fitness appointment
• Scheduling a massage
• Committing to counseling
• Getting annual checkups

All of these are ways to “maintain the vehicle”—our bodies—to get us where we want to go in life.

None of this comes easy for us, especially women. We are taught to give and give, and often made to feel guilty if we “take” for ourselves—time, money, effort. As far as my recommendation of sitting and doing nothing, to allow your soul to rest and examine itself? Please! Not a concept we embrace in the Western world.

And yet, our inner self begs to be given its own beauty treatment, its own “spa day” of quiet, self examination, as we investigate our own beliefs by asking hard questions of ourselves.

Try this prescription for just a few minutes a day—sitting quietly, without words, without thoughts, without agenda. Listen. Feel the stress drain out as you do so.

And rest. And find peace.

And be beautiful.

If this post reaches even one victim, it’s worth the posting….

Warning Signs of an Abusive Partner

Project for Victims of Family Violence, Lafayette, ARK

1.      Push for quick involvement: comes on very strong, pressures for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2.      Jealousy: Excessively possessive: calls constantly, visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone:” checks your mileage.

3.      Controlling: Interrogates you intensely, especially if you’re late, about whom you talked to and where you were. Keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4.      Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect one and meet  every need.

5.      Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses your supporters of “causing trouble;” deprives you of a phone or car.

6.      Blames others: for their problems and mistakes: The boss, you—it’s always someone else’s’ fault.

7.      Makes everyone else responsible for own feelings: says, you make me angry” instead of “I AM angry,” or, “you’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”

8.      Hypersensitivity: Easily insulted, claiming their feelings are hurt when they are really mad; rants about things that are just part of life.

9.      Cruel to animals or children: kills or punishes animals brutally; expects children to do things that are beyond their ability, i.e. whips a two year old for wetting a diaper; teases children until they cry. SIXTY FIVE PERCENT OF ABUSERS WHO HIT THEIR PARTNER WILL ALSO HIT CHILDREN.

10. “Playful” use of force during sex: enjoys throwing you down, holding you down against your will; says they find the idea of rape exciting.

11. Verbal abuse: constant criticism, says cruel or hurtful things; degrades, curses you, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

12. Rigid gender roles: expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

13. Sudden mood swings: switches from sweetly loving to explosive in a matter of minutes.

14. Past battering: admits hitting in the past, but says the partner made them do it or the situation was to blame.

15. Threats of violence: makes statements like “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you,” then dismisses it with “everybody talks that way, you’re too sensitive” or “I didn’t mean it.” IF IT HAS COME THIS FAR, GET HELP OR GET OUT.

 Isn’t technology wonderful? You would think it would strengthen relationships to have Facebook, texting, and other forms of constant communication. And while that is all fine in itself, it is regrettable when the urge to stay current becomes more important than the person or experience in front of you.

We have a very hard time being in the present moment; being alone with ourselves, or being truly present with another. We are in an age of constant distraction; televisions in restaurants, phones, Ipods. So that child in front of us, or in the back seat, is drowned out by the noise. Conversation with our loved ones is constantly interrupted. Quiet time for self-reflection gets drowned in busyness. BUT:

 The IMMEDIATE should never outweigh the IMPORTANT.

I saw an example of this at a restaurant recently. A young woman was talking animatedly to her date; he was nodding mechanically in response while texting with his left thumb! The message he was sending her was this: you are not important enough for my undivided attention. No matter what assurances he may have given her otherwise, people HEAR what you SAY, but they BELIEVE what you DO.

People HEAR what you SAY, but they BELIEVE what you DO.

Remember to set aside time each day to give your loved ones undivided attention. Be present with the store clerk in front of you. Pay full attention when you drive.

 The phone and Internet are fun and convenient, but don’t let them dictate your living. Be fully present to your life. Be Here Now.

You Won’t Change, So I Must Be Doing Something Wrong:

A Quick Look at Codependency

By Debbie Devine, MS

www.DevineRelaxation.com

The Mistaken Beliefs of Codependents:

“If I AM: good enough/nice enough/skinny enough/vigilant enough/accommodating enough/loud enough/upset enough…

“If I say it enough times in enough different ways…

“If I give enough money/withhold enough money, give sex/withhold sex, pout, criticize, get you out of bed in the mornings, do all the irrational things you demand…

THEN YOU WILL BECOME THE PERSON I WANT YOU TO BE.

You will do what I think you need to do to fix your life, our relationship.

You won’t drink/cheat/use drugs/yell/hit/get mad at me.

You will appreciate me.

If I do all of the above and you STILL DON’T become the person I want you to be, then I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I FEEL GUILTY.

I keep doing these things because I believe it will make you/others/God pleased with me. You/others/God will admire me for my sacrifice. This is what makes me worthy.

I know exactly what YOU think, feel, and need, and why. I can analyze you endlessly.

I have no idea what I think, feel, or need, or why. And I am uncomfortable when my counselor asks me to be still, listen to myself, journal, dig deeper, try new things that might make me happy, set a boundary with you.

I would much rather figure out what’s wrong with YOU than look at ME.

Taste the Lemon? The Power of the Mind

Recently I attended a seminar on integrative medicine (the treatment of chronic pain or stress through both traditional medicine and psychological influence). In order to illustrate the influence our minds have over our health, they had us visualize a lemon—imagine its feel and smell—imagine cutting it into quarters, then biting into the lemon and feeling the tartness as the juices rush into our mouth. Did your mouth pucker and water just now when you read that? The bodily response was produced by your imagination only—in reality, there is no lemon in your hand! Your THOUGHTS caused your BODY to physically respond as if there were.

Every Cell in our Body Listens To Our Thoughts

This exercise really brought home to me how important it is to guard our thinking from the negative. We can’t allow critics, whether inside our head or in our relationships, to have a place in our lives. Criticism causes stress and discouragement, which cause a rise in cortisol, the bad or “stress” hormone. This in turn leads to a decrease in immunity, causing increased episodes of illness. Healing of wounds slows down. Chronic pain becomes worse. IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) also worsens. Discouragement gains a hold, and before we know it, our thoughts have helped our body to become ill.

I have been able to help my clients manage chronic pain, panic attacks, migraines and other conditions many times by teaching them deep relaxation and replacing the negative with positive.  I commit to my clients as well as to the doctors who refer to me to continue learning ways to help the mind give the body healthful, happy messages.

Although the economy is improving, hard times are a fact of all of our lives at one time or another. These are some ideas to supplement your therapy experience. “Tips” are not a substitute for therapy.

1. REALIZE that we are all in this together: try not to blame your  spouse or yourself.

2. PRIORITIZE CONNECTION. Relationships and community have  definite health benefits. DON’T isolate in your home or office!

3. VOLUNTEER. It gives you a sense of usefulness and can lead to networking connections, as well as serving to take your mind off of   yourself and your troubles.

4. SPEND SOME TIME EVERY DAY BEING GRATEFUL. What you  focus on WILL grow; gratitude brings more good things, worry  brings more of what you fear.

5. TAKE A BREAK FROM THE PROBLEM. Watch a funny movie.    Take a walk with your spouse. Promise yourself you will put the issue  out of your mind for ten minutes, or an hour. If the worry returns before the time is up, put up a giant mental STOP sign and deliberately bring your thoughts back to the present moment.

6.  REALIZE THAT HARD TIMES ARE NECESSARY FOR   BECOMING OUR BEST SELVES. Use this time to grow your    patience and faith, to tap your creativity, to assess your true values.

7. ASK FOR HELP. Counseling can help you process the hard times and come out better for it on the other side.

1. WRITE down your food intake for at least one week (you will be surprised). This creates AWARENESS. 

2. EXERCISE along with a balanced diet. Start slowly and only after your doctor’s approval. Thirty minute brisk walks, five times a week are ideal. 

3. REPLACE sweets with fruit servings where possible. 

4. EAT SMALLER AMOUNTS of healthy foods, and increase fruit and vegetable intake. 

5. EAT SLOWLY, chewing thoroughly, laying your fork down between bites. 

6. DO NOT EAT IN FRONT OF THE TV. Focus on the tastes and textures. Remember, the problem here is not food itself, but MINDLESS eating. 

7. REDUCE GREATLY your intake of refined and processed foods: crackers, sugared cereals, baked goods all contain processed flour, which can cause glucose “shocks” to your system. 

8. THINK LONG TERM. Meal substitutes (shakes, prepackaged dinners, etc) may cause short term weight loss, but will cause a “rebound effect” on your metabolism. As it senses deprivation, it will slow down and will result in weight gain when you go back to regular eating. 

9. MAKE MANY SMALL CHANGES THAT YOU CAN STICK WITH PERMANENTLY. They add up to a slow, steady weight loss that will last (leaving the butter off the roll, choosing salsa instead of ranch dressing, etc.) 

10. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF. If you eat something you shouldn’t, don’t give up and say “I can’t!” You will not eat or exercise perfectly every day. Forgive yourself and start back immediately on your healthy habits. “All or nothing” thinking is the enemy of success! 

In this blog, I will talk about the therapy process and the stages you experience.

What Stage Are You In?

SURVIVAL:

Virtually all clients start at this level. You are in crisis, at a low point, in pain. My focus here is an immediate and practical prescription for helping you regain hope and basic functioning. This most often includes health issues such as exercise and rest, as well as releasing pain out of the body by relaxation and journaling.

RECOVERY:

At this stage you move on to the relationships around you as a focus for change. You are ready to see how you help create the painful patterns in your own life, and you go out into the world as a scientist, observing your patterns with others. You begin to see how you contribute to your own problems by the thinking habits you’ve formed.

PROGRESS:

Too many clients leave therapy at this stage. The pain is eased—why go deeper? The problem with stopping here is that the fundamental issues and reactions have not been changed yet. It’s like stopping an antibiotic on the second day because you feel better—the basic “infection” has not been eradicated, and will resurface in time.

PLEASURE:

A client who “stays the course” to this stage begins to reap the deeply satisfying rewards of enjoyment and contentment in life. Persistent body aches, migraines, rashes and recurring illnesses often ease or disappear entirely as the client ceases to be at war within and therefore has the energy to heal.

AWARENESS:

Once the bothersome thinking patterns are uncovered and corrected, the client has found peace in their personal boundaries and dealings with others. The “coaching” side of my work now begins. I help the client explore what they want their legacy to be in life, how to live with integrity regardless of circumstance, and dream for the future by exploring goals.

My gift to your church, social or civic group: a stress reduction class, secular or spiritually based, half hour. Call to schedule!